Crash and Burn. 5a

I blew it.  Sort of.

I drank wine Sat. night.  I wanted it.  I thought I would be in control.  And I was… as much as a kid is in a candy store.  I was filled with a hysteria of excitement and anticipation; a sense of rebirth and awakening.  I felt like me… the me that I know best.

I’ll be honest.  It felt great.  It felt like a big weight was lifted off of me. I felt light and funny and happy.  Grumpy Suzan who has been irritated by everything lately felt giddy and joyful.  I was part of the fun with five needy, certifiably insane kids.  I stopped raising my voice and saying “no” and “what do you want????” every 30 seconds.  I actually laughed!  And sang!  And sort of watched a movie.

Then I woke up Sunday.  Enter guilt.  Enter hangover.

I probably drank a bottle of wine in total.  As a good alcoholic, I didn’t keep track because the truth hurts.  But it really wasn’t that much, but more than a casual drinker would normally drink who doesn’t struggle with alcohol.  I didn’t do anything stupid, but the end of the night is definitely fuzzy.  It is not the way I want to remember spending time with the crazy five.

Since this whole alcohol-free attempt began, I have attended one AA meeting.  I got my white chip and listened to a lot of stories.  One that resonated with me the most though was from a jovial, African-American man in his mid-50s (I would guess).  He talked of the number of times he started and failed.  How he thought everyone who made it one, two, five years of sobriety was actually lying and closet drinking.  How he would leave AA half the the time and head straight to the bar…  He doesn’t do that anymore.  He is now truly recovered.  While that is all interesting and insightful in itself, it was his closing comment that really resonated with me, which was “When you think you ‘got this’ and that you are in control, that is when you need AA the most.  Cuz you don’t ‘got this’.  That is addiction talking for you.”

So, here I sit.  Starting over.  Contemplating whether I do “got this” or whether I am totally full of shit.



One thought on “Crash and Burn. 5a

  1. That’s the hardest part of letting go isn’t it? Knowing that’s a you, you’ve known your whole life. It’s like trying to cut out one of your organs. Except the organ that mutes your racing, agitated mind to the perfect volume.

    This must be as close as it comes to stepping in the shoes of someone’s attempt at losing an alter identity, for someone with dissociative identity disorder, that there is. We are addicts for this piece of ourselves.

    We don’t ever want to let go.

    Liked by 1 person

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