Day Three

Well.

Here I am.

I’m truly thinking about sobriety for the first time in what most would probably say is humiliatingly too long.

It’s not that I haven’t thought about it before I’ve definitely entertained the notion before. I have flirted with the idea that maybe I should drink a wee bit less (for the sake of the kids…)but I was able to rationalize those crazy, often guilt-ridden moments away.  Before.

But, this time is different.  It feels more serious.  I mean. Shit. I actually looked up AA meetings and almost got in the car to attend one.  That is further than I have ever made it before.

The thing is that before I had lots of reasons why I shouldn’t have to do this.  I convinced myself that I am not a person with a drinking problem.  I am definitely not an alcoholic, because unlike alcoholics (that I have come to define in my head with my own definitions not embedded in any science at all):

  • I only really drink wine (good God, I love wine…).   Sometimes a martini (but only dirty ones).  Sometimes a bloody Mary (because I love tomato juice, and vodka is really just a bonus…).
  • I never drink during the day.
  • I rarely have hang-overs.
  • And, I have no tolerance (I mean, a real full-blooded alcoholic should be able to drink everyone else under the table, right???).

But, the fact of the matter is I keep coming back to this place.  This place is one that is run by shame, guilt, embarrassment, lost memories, missed opportunities and a broken spirit. This place is where I feel like a joke, where my confidence is checked at the door and where I have lost the respect of those I love.  This place is where I am always, always apologizing to everyone for behavior I’ve come to define as acceptable and normal.  And while I may not be an alcoholic by my definition, it seems that I am one by just about everyone else’s take on the subject matter.

So it is time to change.

I have made it to day 3.  And while I might drool over thoughts of a beautiful, big, luscious glass of red… I am bent on making it to day 4.